Save as PDFForgiving someone who has hurt us becomes easier when we first remember how much God has forgiven us.
Most of us know we should forgive. The hard part is doing it when the wound is fresh, the apology hasn’t come, and the other person seems not to care. Scripture doesn’t only command us to forgive. It gives us a place to stand while we do it: the grace we ourselves have received.
“And be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving each other, just as God also in Christ forgave you.”
Ephesians 4:32 (WEB)
Notice the order in that verse. Paul doesn’t say “forgive, and then God will forgive you.” He says forgive just as God in Christ has already forgiven you. Our forgiveness of others flows downstream from God’s forgiveness of us. Think of it like a river: we are not the spring, only the channel.
The Grace We Have Received
Grace is God giving us what we could never earn, and it sits at the very heart of the Bible’s story.
God made us in his image and called his creation “very good” (Genesis 1:27, 1:31). We turned away from him, and sin broke our relationship with God and with one another (Genesis 3). Yet God did not leave us there. Through Abraham, Israel and the prophets he kept promising a rescue, and in Jesus Christ that promise was kept.
“But God commends his own love towards us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:8 (WEB)
God didn’t wait for us to improve, apologise well enough, or prove we had changed. He moved toward us while we were yet sinners. At the cross, Christ took the full cost of our wrongdoing so that we could be forgiven and brought home (1 Corinthians 15:3–4; Ephesians 2:8–9).
This is the grace every Christian stands in. It is the starting point for how we treat those who sin against us.
Remembering Our Own Debt
Jesus taught that people who forget how much they have been forgiven find it hard to forgive.
Peter once asked how often he must forgive his brother: “Until seven times?” Jesus answered, “I don’t tell you until seven times, but, until seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:21–22, WEB). Then he told a story (Matthew 18:23–35).
A servant owed his king ten thousand talents, a debt he could never repay in many lifetimes. The servant begged for time, and “the lord of that servant, being moved with compassion, released him and forgave him the debt” (Matthew 18:27, WEB). That same servant then went out, found a fellow servant who owed him one hundred denarii, a tiny sum by comparison, and had him thrown into prison.
When the king heard, he called the first servant back:
“You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Shouldn’t you also have had mercy on your fellow servant, even as I had mercy on you?”
Matthew 18:32–33 (WEB)
The servant’s problem was not that he had been wronged. He had been. His problem was that he had forgotten what he had been forgiven. The same can happen to us. When we hold on to a grudge, we are often looking at the hundred denarii someone owes us while losing sight of the ten thousand talents God has cancelled.
Reflection is the remedy. When we deliberately remember our own debt, the debts of others come back into proportion. (Read more about the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant.)
Seeing Others With Compassion
Grace changes how we see the person who hurt us: not as a monster, but as someone like us who also needs mercy.
The king in Jesus’ parable forgave because he was “moved with compassion.” Compassion means looking past the offence to the person. When we remember that we too have been selfish, careless and unkind, we can begin to ask honest questions about the other person:
- What pain, fear or pressure might lie behind what they did?
- Do they fully understand the harm they caused?
- How would I want to be treated if I had done the same?
Asking these questions doesn’t excuse sin. It simply lets us see the other person as God sees all of us: as people who fall short and need grace.
Jesus showed this most clearly at the cross. As he was being crucified, he prayed:
“Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.”
Luke 23:34 (WEB)
Paul calls us to put on the same heart:
“Put on therefore, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, a heart of compassion, kindness, lowliness, humility, and perseverance; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, if any man has a complaint against any; even as Christ forgave you, so you also do.”
Colossians 3:12–13 (WEB)
Compassion is something we “put on,” like clothing. Some days it won’t feel natural. We put it on anyway, because Christ has clothed us first.
Putting It Into Practice
These five steps turn reflection on grace into a habit you can return to whenever forgiveness feels hard.
- Remember your own forgiveness. Before thinking about the other person, take time to recall what God has forgiven you. Psalm 103:10–12 is a good place to start.
- Name the hurt honestly. Bring the wrong to God plainly. Forgiveness is not pretending nothing happened.
- Look for the person behind the offence. Ask the compassion questions above. Remember they are made in God’s image and, like you, in need of grace.
- Pray for them. Jesus told us to pray for those who mistreat us (Matthew 5:44). It is hard to keep resenting someone you are regularly bringing before God with kindness.
- Release the debt to God. Choose not to hold the wrong over them, and trust God to deal justly (Romans 12:19). You may need to make this choice many times. Remember: “until seventy times seven.”
The Lord’s Prayer ties these together: “forgive us our debts, as we also forgive our debtors” (Matthew 6:12, WEB). Each time we pray it, we are reminded that the grace we receive and the grace we give belong together.
What Forgiveness Is Not
Forgiving someone releases our claim to repayment. It does not mean pretending the wrong was acceptable.
- It is not excusing sin. God’s forgiveness did not ignore sin; it cost Christ his life. Forgiveness takes wrong seriously and still chooses mercy.
- It is not forgetting. We may remember what happened. Forgiveness means we stop holding it against the person.
- It is not always reconciliation. Restoring trust can take time and depends on both people. Scripture says “if it is possible, as much as it is up to you” (see Romans 12:18). Some relationships cannot safely be restored straight away.
- It is not staying in harm’s way. If you are in an abusive or unsafe situation, forgiving does not require you to remain there. Seek safety, and reach out to trusted church leaders or qualified professionals for help.
- It is not a one-off feeling. Forgiveness is often a decision we renew, sometimes daily, as old hurts resurface.
Forgiving to the Glory of God
When we forgive as we have been forgiven, our lives point beyond us to the God whose grace made it possible.
“Whether therefore you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”
1 Corinthians 10:31 (WEB)
Forgiveness is one of the clearest ways we can show the world what God is like. Grace received becomes grace passed on, and Paul says that grace spreading through many people will “cause the thanksgiving to abound to the glory of God” (2 Corinthians 4:15, WEB). One day God will make all things new (Revelation 21:5), and every act of forgiveness now is a small glimpse of that restored world.
A Prayer
Father, thank you that while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. Thank you for forgiving a debt I could never repay. When I am hurt, help me to remember your grace before I remember the wrong. Give me a heart of compassion, so that I see the people who wound me as you see them. Help me to forgive as you have forgiven me, again and again, and may my life bring glory to you. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
For Reflection
- What has God forgiven you that you find easy to forget?
- Is there someone whose “hundred denarii” you are still holding on to?
- What might be going on in that person’s life that you haven’t considered?
Scripture quotations are from the World English Bible (British Edition), public domain.
